


An orchestra of chaos

by ArthurFlecksGirl



Category: Joker (2019)
Genre: F/M, Jealousy, Love, Mental Illness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-26
Updated: 2020-05-26
Packaged: 2021-03-02 21:21:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,571
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24393469
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ArthurFlecksGirl/pseuds/ArthurFlecksGirl
Summary: Joker getting jealous about a stranger that is making advances to you on the street.
Relationships: Arthur Fleck/You
Kudos: 9





	An orchestra of chaos

I wake up, but my eyes are still closed. Some days I wake up like that. Afraid to open my eyes and find myself lying alone on the couch. Like I always did. All my life, before I got to meet her.  
There are so many thoughts crossig my mind as I try to open them but I dont. I let the thoughts ruin me. I let them torture me. Thoughts of all colors, running into one another until there is nothing left bu blackness. A blank kinda blackness.One that hurts the insides of my eyes like I was blinded by the light. The kinda blackness that wouldnt allow you to think of anything else but being consumed by it. The fear of the last three years not being real is way too overwhelming. Deep down I know that all of it was real. But there was always this part of me that wasnt convinced. What if I was suffering from an endless hallucination? A daydream that would never end? What if I was never finding my way back again? On the other hand... Life was good. Eighter if it was a dream or not. I never felt better. The love she gave me was more than fullfilling. It filled every part of my insides. Every space within me that used to be filled with that kinda blackness for over two decades. She filled the cracks of my broken parts with her light, until it spread and now I was shining.   
But the moment of waking up after a nightmare always brought back the feeling of darkness. I hate it but I cant do nothing about it. I guess I am still healing. A healing process that will take my whole life. 35 years of suffering cannot be fixed within some years. But what already happened was a miracle to me.   
"Arthur?" her voice. I can hear it. I used to hear voces when I had my episodes,too. Visions. Everything. Its tough. Its still so tough to convince myself that this time its real. I even brought Y/N with me to some of my appointements. Dr Kane told me she is definitaly real. I am not sure if she was happy for me. She looked worried. Not about me. But about her. Which hurt me a lot. I couldnt never hurt her. She is my everything. She is not just another human being to me that I love. She is a part within me.  
Y/N not only TRIES to understand my thoughts, she DOES understand my thoughts. She IS my thoughts. Even though she hast been through the same I have been through, she really gets it. She wants to get into every corner of my mind. And I let her. I want her to not only explore it but to change it. She gets inside and re-orders them. Heals them with her unconditional love. I never thought that you could be so close to someone else. It wasnt just body on body, it was mind on mind. The intimacy of being understood.  
"Arthur, are you awake?"  
"I am my love". I open my eyelids just as little as possible. Very carefully to make sure she is there. I will close them again if she isnt. Everything is blurry. I try to see through my own eyelashes which cover reality like a curtain. Will she be there lying next to me when the curtain falls?  
"I made you some coffe". Her voice. So soothing. Wrapping my mind into a warm blanket until I feel calmed down and save. The way she says my name. Arthur. Like it really means something to her. And I know it does. My name never sounded the way like it sounds when she is calling it out. Like it was a magic spell to her. And she really did put a spell on me.  
I feel her warm lips upon my forehead. I love forehead kisses. She always wakes me up with a soft kiss upon that spot. It makes me feel save after my mind messed with me. And it usually messes with me at night. Even if I had a real good day. Y/N knows that and she does everything to make me feel better when I start in the day. The second I feel the warmness of her lips I open my eyes.  
She smiles at me, handing me a cup of coffee.  
"You`re already awake?"  
"Yeah. That piano man is playing today at William street. Remember? We wanted to go see him play."  
Oh right. The piano man. I totally forgot tha it was today. I am really into music and I love piano. I saw this man once on the streets and enjoxed his performance very much. I was thrilled about going to see him play again.   
"Oh right. I cant wait to listen to him. He`s a great musician.I know you havent seen him yet but you will enjoy it."  
She touches my hair. It is still dyed green and must look like a total mess.  
"I`m sure I will. I enjoy everything i share with you. Maybe we could do a little dance on the streets? I´m sure he would enjoy it".  
I place a kiss upon her lips. She tastes like coffee and love "I would love to take your hand and dance with you onthe streets. Gotham needs a little something to smile about. Right?"  
"Right"  
I sit up straight and take a sip of coffee, thats when I realize that I stained my pillow over night. It was covered in red and blue.  
"Oh I`m sorry. I guess I forgot to take my make up off".  
Y/N touches me cheek, laughing "You did. I can tell now that Joker was here".  
She makes me smile.   
The way he said"Joker was here"....like he is just as lovable as the other parts of me. On bad days I was struggeling with Joker a lot. He is a part of me that has been created by childhood trauma, so I always thought about Joker as something bad. Something taht I had to hide. Even from myself. The shadow living inside of me, reminding me of what has been done to me. I was ashamed and scared of the day Y/N would found out about this part of me. But she embraced it just like everything else about me. She embraced the dark and the light. She allowed me to feel like Arthur and Joker was the very same person. And I know that she is right about that. Two sides of the same coin. I had to learn that. She taught it to me. Like so many other things that are essential to my well being. She knew what Joker was about. There was no reason to hide anything from her.  
"There is not a lot of make up left in your face" she says.  
"I must look like a mess" I reply and cover my face with my hand.  
Y/N takes my hand and exposes my face, kissing my lips "You`re the most beautiful man there every was, Arthur Fleck".  
When we forst got intimate with each other, she looked at my naked soul and thought it was beautiful. She looked at my worn down, naked body and thought I was beautiful. I was really insecure when we first started dating. I never had my first kiss. I never was with a woman before. I didnt even knew how to act, but I longed for her touch and her body and soul. I always graved for my one and only person.   
She is the one. And right from the start there was no doubt about that.  
She learned me not to be ashamed of what happened to me as a child. Not to be ashamed of my medication. It was so hard to tell her that I am on seven different ones. I really though she would leave me if she finds out. But she didnt. She even came to my appointments , holding my hand in the waiting room and talking to the doctors about what we could try to make me feel better. She was an angel.   
"I don`t deserve you,Y/N" I whisper into her mouth.  
"You deserve the world, darling" she breathes into me "And more..."  
Y/N wrapps her arms around my neck, placing kisses along remains of the Joker make up.  
"Traces of Joker" she says "The smeared make up...Its like a map....streets of Arthur and Joker crossing each other, running into one another. Meeting each other. Leading to your true self". I close my eyes and just FEEL. I love how she chooses her words.   
"You make me feel so loved"  
"Because you are"  
Her lips wander all over my face. Kissing my eyelids. My eyebrows staining her upper lips blue. Her left hand running through the slightly wet curls tickeling my neck.  
"Sorry....I`m all sweaty....."  
Her blue stained lips kissing the corner of my mouth "I dont care..." she climbs up on my lap and I cradle her in my tight embrace, telling her how much I love her before we end up finding ourselfs lost in a deep, coffee tasting kiss.  
Kissing is still one of the most fascinatin things for me when it comes to human connection. I dont think I will ever stop being fascinated by it. I always imagined how it would feel to share this with someone and reality is even better than in my daydreams. To me its not just a lip on lip experience. Our tongues become a metaphore for our spirits, dancing with each other. Entwined in this almost spiritual dance that you can feel altrough your body. I taste her light, make it my own. So the darkness within me vanishes with every single kiss. Until there is nothing left of it anymore. Just light and love and the certainty of being one.  
"I would make love to you right now..." she whispers between the kisses "But we`re already late..."  
Our lips part. "Yeah....me,too." I grin " Gotta go take a shower and put some new make up on"  
"You wanna go with your Joker make up today?"  
"Yeah wel, if you dont mind? I feel like it."  
"Sure. You know I dont mind. Whatever makes you feel better, love" she says.  
I get up and go straight to the shower, thinking about how she doesnt even have a problem with me walking down the streets with her in full Joker mode. I see her getting ready in front of the mirror as the hot water is running down my skinny body. That body I never thought someone would love. I take the coconut shower gel and soap up my body with it. My ribs are popping out. But not as bad as they used to. Y/N managed to make me eat a little bit more so I am not all skin and bones anymore. But I can still feel my ribs when I let my hand slide over my skin. I wonder how it feels to her. What she is thinking when she is kissing the parts between my ribs. Kissing down my belly, my V line. How can she love and adore such a fragile looking body? She must truly love me after all.  
The remains of the Joker mae up coming off eventually. The hot water washes them away. My face bare and naked. Arthur Fleck. Some of the green hair dye gets washed out,too. But not all of it.  
I`m looking at my own feet as Y/N is humming a song while she gets dressed. I`m standing in a greenish puddle of water.  
"I got you a fresh towel ready" she yells so i can hear her from the shower cabin.  
"Thanks, sweetheart".  
I get out of the shower and dry my body as she watches me.  
She looks so pretty "You look so beautiful, Y/N. I am so proud to have you as a girlfriend"  
"Aww you`re sweet. But look at you. You`re stunning,too."  
"I´m not"  
"Yes you are!"  
I cant help but grin as I get my make up and put on my Joker face.  
Its not the same as it used to be anymore. Its not like putting on a happy face to hide my sadness and pain. Because there is a real smile under the fake smile now. And it feels even better. I just put it on to feel more confident. Thats all. My shyness is still something that is bugging me a lot and the make up and suit helps me to feel more comfortable in my own skin. I hope that some day I will be able to feel the same about myself without that outfit.   
It doesnt take me long to put the make up on, I`m used to it and know how to do it pretty fast. I get in my suit and take a look into the mirror as she hugs me from behind "My sexy Joker. Look at you. Her arms around my small waist like a shelter. I turn my head to place a kiss upon her lips "Okay, ready? Lets go see the pino man."  
I head back to the wardrobe to get my gun. i know it isnt right to carry a gun but I also feel like its saver out there with a weapon. Gotham city is a fucked up place to be.She doesnt notice thaI carry it with me and we leave the house.  
When we arrive the piano man just started to play. We stand a couple of feets away from him, hand in hand, listening to his beautiful art. Music is the purest form of art for me. Its always there. Inside of me. I hear music all the time. Like a movie score. I cannot make it stop even if I want. Sometimes its amazing and empowering and other times its just making me all dizzy and I end up banging my head against the wall to make it stop for at least some seconds. But that didnt stopped me from loving music with all my heart. The only time the music in my mind stops is when I listen to music that is really there. Like now.  
"His music is beautiful" Y/N says, sqeezing my hand .  
"It is. I love his tunes. But you know...the most beautiful melodie in the world is you calling out my name" I whisper in her ear and I notice that she is blushing, which I think is really cute.  
"Oh Arthur!"  
I cant help but laugh "Exactly, thats what I was talking about"  
She smiles and places a kiss on the back of my hand "I love you so much, Artie".  
"Dito Y/N. And even more..... you know. I wish I could play the piano so I could write you the most beautiful songs. But I only have my ukulele...."  
"I love it when you play the ukulele" she says like she really means it.  
"Yeah but....imagin....owning a piano.... wouldnt it be great"  
"Sure....maybe we own one some day. "  
I watch the piano man smiling at us "Sadly we dont have the money to buy one."  
"Someday you will be a famous comedian and the first thing we`re going to buy will be a piano." she replies.   
"You really think i wil be a famous stand up comedian some day?"   
"Without a question, darling"  
It amazes me how she belives in me. No one ever did. She is the first person in my life that belives in me and encourages me everyday. Some nights I wake her just for her to listen to the new jokes I just wrote when I suffer from insomnia. And she listens to them and encourages me before we get back to sleep together. Life is sweet since I have her on my side.  
And I hope that this will never change.  
To me, this is forever.  
She is the one and only.  
"Oh look" she points across teh street. "They sell some icecream over there. Should I get some?"  
"I will go get some for us. Vanilla for you, right?"  
"Of course"  
I cross the street. people are standing in line and I am not sure if the man me is standing in line,too. So I ask him "hey, are you standing in line?" and he looks at me like I said something wrong. An angry expression on his face "Do I look like I dont, you clown?"  
"Well...I wasnt sure, thats why Im asking...."  
"Look. If you wanna bother people just go back to your circus freaks and leave me alone, right?"  
I have to cough a little bit because my throath feels funny. A year ago I would have break out in laughter right now. But I had it under control since Y/N helped me with not being ashamed about it anymore. And I was wearing my Joker outfit so it was much easier not to let it show that the urge to laugh was there inside of me. I decide not to argue with the man and just waited until I was about to get the ice cream.   
I turn around to watch out for Y/N and see a young man standing next to her. He`s talking straight to her face and his hand is touching her arm. All of the sudden I feel like someone slapped me in the face. Who is that guy? He doesnt look familar to me at all. I look at the line in front of me. There are still a couple of people in front of me.  
The stranger keeps talking to her, laughing. And she is laughing,too. The moment I see her laugh hits me right in the heart. I know its ridiculous but I still feel it. Like a sharp pain. She was the only one who ever thought I was funny.  
She laughing at my jokes is something that feels very intimate to me. Like we share so much more than just a funny line and lauhghter. It was her way of accepting me for who I am. ´Her way of showing me that he does understand the way my mind works. Because usually people wuldnt get my jokes at all. They never thought I was funny. they were just laughing AT me. I also have a lot of trouble with laughing at other peoples jokes sometimes. It really pretends on the joke though. I do not have problems with Murrays jokes. But many others. Especially when they`re sexual content. I just dont get the timing right.   
So to me her laughing at my own self written jokes was so special. It was like another form of making love to each other. Her laughter was real. It was genue. It was pure. It was her love for me . The sound of her lauhter was a song of its own. Just like when she called out my name. But a different kinda vibe to it.   
And seeing a stranger making her laugh while stilll resting his hand on her arm just hurts me on the inside. I blink. Is this anothet hallucinatio?n? Maybe this guy isnt even there? Maybe I am just having another episode again? I know I shouldt wish for being delusional but right now I wish for it. Any hallucination would be better than some dude trying to make advances to my one and only person. And its obvious that he does.  
For a moment I feel the urge to not buy the icecream and hurry across the street to punsh him in the face. His hand. His damn hand. I cannot stop staring at his hand, waiting until he lets go of her but he doesnt. He keeps talking and I am starting to feel a lump in my thraoth as I start to wonder what he is even talking about. Does she tell her some jokes? Are his jokes funnier than mine? He looks pretty tall. Maybe she is into tall guys. I am not very much taller than she is. Maybe she prefers a guy that looks like he can protect her.  
My hand wanders to my pocket. I have a gun. I can protect her.   
One wrong step in front of her and I will not think about it twice.  
I know that guys bothered her before. It happens a lot in Gotham. But I try to get a closer look at her face As far as itspossible from across the street and she doesnt seem bothered at all. I take my hand off my pocket. Now she is talking back at him and I can tell that he is smiling. She obviosly doesnt tell him to get away fom her.   
I try to tell myself this is nothing. She is just talking to someone but somehow it brings out the fear of losing her someday. What if some day a guy comes around and does the same as the guy right now and she ...... no she wouldnt do that. Or would she?  
The thought of losing her some day seems so unbearable to me.  
The thought of her waking up into smeone elses arms kills me.My eyes watch them talking and laughing but my mind is playing videos of her being with some other man. A tall man with a way nicer body than my skinny one. Someone who has enough money to buy that piano. Someone who could afford to move to a better neighborhood. Far away from Gotham city.  
For the first time i feel guilty that she even fell in love with me. AmI a bad boyfriend?  
She has to live in that tiney apartment with me...with a mentally ill looner. She really could have done better. I feel sad and angry at the same time. Its growing inside of me.  
"Sir? Yo`re next" the old lady behind me wakes me from my scenarios.  
"Um....One vanilla and one coconut please" I nerveously grab my purse and half of my coins are falling on teh ground because my hands are so shaky. i´m starting to sweat.  
The seller hands me the ice as i pay "Are you a party clown or something?" he askes.  
"Um....yeah.....something like that" I replie, not really paying attention to him. My eyes are focused on Y/n and that stramger again.  
His hand is not touching her arm anymore but they still seem to enjoy the conversation and.....no. He just hugged her.   
"Hhahahahahahaha" I laugh. Its not Arthurs laugh. its Jokers and people are staring at me like I`m a compleate lunatic.  
Thats strannger just hugs my baby girl. I feel my eyes watering. This just cant be happening. I never really knew what jealousy felt like. I only heard of it. I always thought I felt a bit jealous when I saw Sophie with another guy in the grocery store but that was NOTHING compared to this. This emotion right now ruined me. Seeing her in the embrace of another man.... to me this wasnt just the hug on the street. I cant help but playing scenarios in my head taht hurt me even more.  
I know this is wrong. But my mind won`t stop. Its like watching a film.  
Someone elses embrace protects her now. And she might feel save. She might like those strong arms around her. I decide not to head back to them immediately. I stay a couple of feets away from her. In front of a store. I see my own reflection in the store window. I look confident. The red suit fits my small body perfectly. The smirk on my face. Joker.   
I look like nothing can hurt me but this isnt true. This hurts me very much. Just to imagin that she could ever fall in love with someone else. This possibility never crossed my mind up until now. Why not? I know why....because she loves me and I know that. But I have heard that sometimes feelings change over the years. What if she ever stops loving me? What if she gets sick of taking care of me when I have my bad days? What if she ever gets sick of watching me taking my meds, trying to eat a small meal....  
That damn hug seems to last forever. He has to let go of her now. I cannot take it anymore. I cannot take to see his arms around her. I dont even know who he is. My arms are her shelter. Hr home. Hr save place. I wanna hold her forever, until the day we die.   
I wanna hurt him. i just wanna hurt him real bad if he doesnt let go of her very soon. I guess i wont use my gun but....at least I could thread him with it? Lets ne honest, I dont stand a chance to beat his ass up. I need a weapon.  
Oh these thoughts get out of hand and I dont like it. I just should go over and see what this whole conversation is about.  
The ice is already melting in my hands.  
I cross the street, heading over to them.  
What should I say? I have to make myself clear. That she is MY baby and he cant do nothing about that.  
It hurts. It stings and burns in my stomach. In my heart. Why does it hurt so much?  
It doesnt only hurt mentally. It hurts physically. I didnt even knew that feeling this way was even possible. Its horrible. I hate it and I want this feeling to leave my body right now. It has to. otherwise I will click into full Joker mode. I can feel it. Joker is the only one who can do something about this. Joker has to protect his girl.  
I light myself a cigarette and take one last smoke until I wal up to them. The ice melting in my other hand.  
I cannot even hear the music from the piano man anymore. My own soundtrack sets in. This never happened before. I never heard my own music over other music playing. Its chaos. Chaos takes over. All the noises. I cant handle it.   
I shake my head. This is crazy.  
"Hey!" I yell "Take your hands off my girl !"  
The guy lets go of her.  
"Arthur" Y/N says "Where have you been? You missed so many great songs!"  
"Is he bothering you?"  
I dont even wait until she answers. I hand her the icecream and just think about this guy standing in front of me ,touching my baby. My sweet angel. She`s mine. I dont want to see his dirty fingers on her skin or clothes ever again.  
"Just get your.......diry hands off my baby" I yell at him.   
Y/N does say something but I cant hear her words over the loud music playing in my head. Its an orchestra of chaos and pain.  
"I saw you! I saw you touchig her. Dont you deny it!"  
The guy is laughing.  
Thats the worst possible reaction.  
".....kinda clown...." he screams at me like I`m crazy. But at least I can hear his words..  
"What?"  
"What kinda clown are you? You`re not looking very friendly to be honest. Kids would be scared of this shit".  
"Shut up. Tell me did you flirted with her? I saw the way you hugged her."  
"Yeah well, she seemed like a girl thats pretty easy to pick up..."  
"What?"  
"Calm down buddy. We just wanted to have some fun.... you`re a fucking clown. You sholud know about fun, right?"  
Thats it.  
I show him the gun in my pocket. Just the tip of it.   
"I have a gun. If you`re not leaving within the next ten seconds I will not be afraid to use it."

Its so loud.  
Black.  
Everything goes black.  
Its the blank kinda blackness again.  
The one that haunts me at night.  
And the music stops.

"Arthur? Darling? Please wake up! Are you okay?" Y/N is leaning over me. I open y eyes and realize that I am lying on the concrete. I hear the piano man playing.  
"Artie, please talk to me. Please!"  
"Y/N?"  
She looks reliefed.  
"What....what happened?"  
"You just bought some ice cream and you came back threading this sales man with a gun".  
She helpes me to get up. A man who is selling self made donuts is standing beside her, looking shocked.  
"A salesman? But....I saw him touching you, hugging you and ...he made advances. I got back to you and he told me he wanted to have fun with you because you look like a girl that is easy to pick up ...and..."  
"What the fuck?" the man gets real mad "What is wrong with you? I never said something like that. I just wanted to sell some donuts. Tell him!"  
Y/N caresses my cheek with her hand "Artie. he really didnt touched me and he didnt said any of those things" she whisperes so the man cannot hear what she says "Darling, I guess the side effects of your meds just set in. I guess its better to go home and get some rest."  
She talks to the man and he walks away shaking his head, mumbeling to himself.  
"I head him say that" I check my gun. Its stilll in my pocket.  
"I saw him touching you and you were laughing at his jokes...."  
"I laughed because he showed me a donut with a clown face. Look!"  
Y/N hands me a donut with a huge clown face on it.  
"Oh my god....I am so embarrassed. But his hand....it was resting on your arm...."  
"No, Artie. I`m afraid you had some visions again."  
My eyes start to water "I know why....I forgot to take my meds yesterday because I was writing you a song on the ukulele. And I wanted to take them afterwards but i didnt....this is....I am so sorry. Oh my god. The music setting in ....it was so loud. I shouwld have known it was a vision. Did I hurt him....?"  
"No sweetheart. No one got hurt. But why would you carry that gun with you?"  
"To protect you if something happens I guess. Can you forgive me?"  
"Sure, Arthur. I am not mad at you. Just make sure to take your meds ,okay?"  
Im nodding as I take her hand in mine.  
"It was so horrible. Seeing you laughing at his jokes and him hugging you so tight. I thought I wasnt funny enough any more. Not attractive enough anymore."  
"Arthur, youre the most funny and most attractive guy in the whole world to me. And no one could ever change that"  
"Really?"  
"Really! C´mon. Can you walk?"  
"I guess so"  
"You fainted for like a minute"  
"Oh....I`m sorry i caused you trouble. That guy in the line was calling me a circus freak and it got worse at that point. It felt like a downwards spiral...."  
"Its okay, its over now..."  
"I just couldnt handle to lose you. I love you so much."  
"You will never lose me, Arthur. I am right here and I will be as long as i live. We are one."  
"I wanna dance with you on the streets.  
"But....you`re not feeling well. Lets get back tomorrow. Okay? The piano man will be there again"  
"He will?"  
"Yeah"  
"Thats great. I will make up for this. I promise"  
Y/N smiles and doesnt let go of my hand until we arrive at home.  
I get into my Pjs. Ready to get some rest. Y/N hands me my meds "Take them, sweetheart". I swallow two of them. The two I forgot the day before. "Thank you".  
She lays down beside me, her arms built a shelter .  
A shelter that she created to cradle me forever.  
Her love is the warmest blanket of them all.  
"I`m sorry you have to live with a mental ill person".  
Her eyes are watering "How yould you ever say somethign like this? I love you more than anything. We will make it through this together. You dont have to face this alone ever again. Do you hear me, Arthur?"  
I nodd.  
" I should get my make up off....but I´m so tired right now.  
"Donn`t worry about that. We will get under the shower when you wake up. Both of us together. How does that sound?"  
I feel myself calming down as she starts to play with my green curls.  
"Sounds like a great way to wake up in the morning".  
Y/N rests her face in the dip of my neck and takes a deep breath as if I was the air she needed.   
And I drifted away into sleep.   
No nightmares.  
Just a love song playing in the distance.


End file.
